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Post by LightYagami123 » Sun Dec 07, 2014 1:20 pm

Hello, everyone, my name Light, and I posted a work of mine in this forum before titled "Instances of Silent Morality-Critiques critically needed" where I asked for critiques so that I may improve. Here I am again to see if I improved (even a little bit). Specials thanks to the user "lwaxana" because he really helped me a lot. Without a further ado, here is Morally Challenged... I'm looking forward to the critiques below.. Thank you and enjoy
(note: i forgot to put "teaser" in the title of the original post)

Last edited by LightYagami123 on Sun Dec 07, 2014 10:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by jahnocli » Sun Dec 07, 2014 2:39 pm

You asked for responses...

That was incredibly dull and preachy. I also was confused about what the message actually was, and why those particular visuals were used. So, not a hit for me.
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Post by lwaxana » Sun Dec 07, 2014 8:17 pm

This is looking great! It is a huge improvement. The audio sounds a lot better and the music/voice work is balanced nicely. The characters with faces are reading better for me too. It looks like the one without a face is that way to show how dehumanized he is? I think the philosophical debate has a nice neon genesis evangelion vibe, but if you're mostly showing this online, I wouldn't start off with 41 seconds of a black screen with text because people might click away and miss the rest. Maybe adding some imagery of the characters' faces as they think/discuss or representations of the ideas being discussed like this:
This seems especially important for your story because it's not a detached hypothetical debate. If I'm understanding correctly, they are reflecting on their own existence and value, so they would have a huge emotional investment in it. And showing their expressions could really drive that home. Anyway, keep it up, dude! I'm looking forward to seeing more!!
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Post by steveryan2 » Sun Dec 07, 2014 10:20 pm

I will focus my comments on the animation and little on the content since you seem to be covering something that is very sensitive and personal. Quite frankly I couldn’t understand the message. There is music in the background that I can’t make out, but it makes it harder to understand the voices. The audio wasn’t always clear. One comment about the narration: I couldn’t understand the male voice when he asked the question because his voice trailed off.

The animation doesn’t start until 42 seconds into it (out of only 66 seconds), which is a mistake. The images need to begin sooner. The drawings of the people are good; I like the style. The first shot of the girl could be improved in several ways. The drawing is great but her dark clothes blend in with the dark background; we need some contrast. What is that behind her? I wasn't sure on where she was. Design wise it would look better if she was positioned on one of the thirds rather than dead center. If you are not sure what that refers to, Google “rule of thirds”. The first shot was extremely brief; almost a flash. Most animators have the opposite problem; their shots linger on too long. This shot has the opposite problem; I didn’t even have time to orient myself and know what I was looking at before you went into an extreme close up.

The extreme close up is okay. I don’t know if you realize that we can’t see her mouth. She says “Noah” just as you are cutting. That is jarring. You may want to consider allowing her to finish before cutting, or have her say that after the close up. For the close up I would expect to see the desperation in her voice reflected in her facial expression; especially her eyes. Instead she looks bored or comatose.
All Shots: the stedi-cam movement is fine; it makes it look a bit indy. But you have mixed the moving camera with shots that are extremely short; which is disorienting. This is something we normally only see in a fight scene. Either make the shots longer or steady the camera.

Shot at 44 seconds. Is she supposed to have her eyes missing? Again, I would suggest staging it so she is on the third; maybe move her a little to the right.

Shot at 49 seconds. Interesting way of representing a room. Is the character supposed to be faceless? It’s creepy.

Shot at 55 seconds. I am not sure what the intended meaning of this shot is, but it is very powerful. Again, use the rule of thirds and consider moving in on the gun so that it takes a bigger part of the frame.

The most important thing I think is to work on fine-tuning the message of your script, the communication of your idea. Not just what you are saying but how you are presenting it. There was mention of God and the Devil and then a handgun and retribution. Sounds scary but I really didn’t understand what the message was. Was it a conversation? A debate?

Once you nail down the message you may want to ask yourself what the accompanying images do to support it?
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Post by Danimal » Mon Dec 08, 2014 2:45 pm

I'm going to echo what's already been said. Text on the screen for that long is practically asking your audience to tune out.

The artwork is still good, that camera is still all over the place though, bobbing and weaving and stumbling around. It doesn't add visual appeal, it just adds distraction.

Character design is still good, though I too am a bit lost as to what this is conveying. If it is indeed a teaser, it doesn't seem to show anything exciting enough to make me want to watch the full-blown animation.
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